Breast expansion:
SUSTAINABILITY!
No vitriol or sarcasm this week. The city may have finally succeeded in brainwashing me. I spent the weekend mowing the lawn and enjoying the mulch as it filled up my lungs. I also proudly attached a bike rack to my car and took the child to Mt. Tabor to ride. We fed squirrels and sat by the reservoir. I even read the newest issue of Portland Monthly and, against all odds, enjoyed the Zach Dundas feature on Ross Island.
Portland news as of 04/25/10:
- The city of Portland is the sixth most well-hung in the nation (behind only New Orleans; Washington D.C.; San Diego; New York City and Phoenix).
- The Reed College Research Reactor now has its own Atlas Obscura entry, as does Chapman School and its swarm of swifts.
- Grant High School’s Ndamukong Suh is officially a Detroit Lion.
- Does one of Joseph Stalin’s daughters live in Portland? (By way of Madison, Wisconsin?)
- Stumptown Blogger continues to trot out some of the best old Portland/Oregon photos and ephemera this side of Lost Oregon: examples here, here, here and here.
Apparently TV networks now view terrorists as programming consultants. Comedy Central, reacting to threats from Islamic barbarians, has censored an episode of South Park that depicts the esteemed prophet Mohammad in a bear suit. (I’m curious: what do these terrorist TV consultants think of Nassour the Jihadist Teddy Bear and his Puppet Show of Destruction?)
In response to Comedy Central’s cowardice, and in support of Trey Parker, Matt Stone and the right to yell “fuck” in a crowded mosque, I present Mad Libs With the Prophet Mohammad. (Based on this humdinger of a Mad Lib.)
MAD LIBS WITH THE PROPHET MOHAMMAD
Mohammad knows who will __fuck_. ¶ Mohammad __fucks_ a new friend at the library. ¶ Mohammad went to a farm just to ___fuck_. ¶ Then Mahasin and Hamza came over. ¶ They __fuck_ like cowboys. ¶ Bakir came with the cowboys. ¶ He looked and __fucked like a rabbit. ¶ What things can birds do? __fuck_¶ Mohammad’s aunt always comes to __fuck_ him good night. ¶ Grandfather __fucks_ Mohammad. ¶ If you move fast near bees, they may_fuck__ you. ¶If you see webs in the house, you know spiders are __fucking__.
You can hear a hen __fuck___ on a farm. ¶ Mohammad gave Linda a _fuck_ for her birthday. ¶ Squirrels _fuck__ in trees. ¶ Linda said “I will _fuck_ Mohammad.” ¶ She was hungry. She wanted her _fuck_. ¶ You can light a fire with a __fuck_. ¶ If you see birds around, you may listen to their __fucking_. ¶ Sue _fucks in a big house. Every night, Mohammad _fucks_ his toy bears. ¶ “Look at Mohammad,” said Hamza. “He _fucks_ like a horse.” ¶ Bakir _fucks_ near Mohammad. Mohammad _fucks_ Hamza for the cookies. If you see horses coming, get out of _the fucking_ way.
Below are some random words, scribblings, reminder notes, sentence fragments, JPEGs, thoughts and/or ideas from the multiple blog posts I currently have in draft form. I don’t present any of them as being particularly funny, thought-provoking or unique. They are just “there.” In the following context, they make little sense. Pages ripped from my mental notebook. Disparate thoughts and incomplete ideas sprayed onto a blank page.
- The Big Clump of Sexy
- Urinal Bingo
- Bobbing for apples and aggressive drinking
- Non-sequitur objects
- Etta Sweetwater & Her Booze
- Using silverware to make unnecessary noises
- Open-air museums
- Collating briefs for strangers
- Crippled Bessie and the Thicket Boys
- Nappy Newt-Eater’s Toadskin Trollops
- Castrated Male Friends
- Legislation Heals All Wounds:
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- Take back the night, Congress. Ban super-halogen headlights
- Psychonauts
- Incurious Russians and the hangover effect of Joseph Stalin
- The Prescience of Diffused Light
- All My Dreams Will Come True When the Band Gets a Record Deal
- Mashup of Bruce Sprinsteen‘s “Stolen Car” and Prince‘s “Raspberry Beret”
- Hi: Received your request to exchange links. Great idea. Your blog looks lively — quite spirited. But I’m going to have to pass.
- Living Large in the 21st Century is a Hate Crime
- The Overlooked Racial Tolerance of Marvel super villains
- Religious flash fiction: Gettin’ Jiggy With Pascal’s Wager
