May I have more saffron with my meth, please?December 15, 2012 by Matt Duvall | Filed under A Borscht-In 2012, Stuff.
By Matt Duvall
Once again, and I frankly have no idea why, the Food Network is on my TV.
I think I put it on at times that I’m kinda down and I want to get my blood boiling.
I can’t (and won’t) go through the whole list of shit-heels that are on the network that I have wanted to kick while giggling.
People, IT’S FUCKING FOOD! Stop acting like it’s so special. I need to eat and you need to eat. Whoopdie-frickin’ ding-dong. It’s one thing when it’s PBS and they take you step by step on a dish, but shows like Iron Chef and Chopped are for… for… Well, I haven’t really figured out which demographic they are trying to reach. It seems like a possibility that they are shooting for the meth addict that happens to have saffron and lake trout laying around the kitchen.
Seriously, try following those shows and then recreate what you just saw. If by a miracle Rainman and Emeril Lagasse butt-fucked and made a little idiot-savant, cooking baby, THAT child would be lost. Even if you recorded that shit and went frame by frame like the damn Zapruder film you would be lucky to come up with toast.
If you notice, they do play-by-play just like it’s a sporting event that anyone would shuck a turd for. “Oh, he’s going to add wine to the egg-wash. That IS a very risky move. If he’s not careful he won’t have time to plate his food.”
Do you know what the stakes are for the chefs on Chopped? 10 fucking grand. $10,000! Yeee-ha! After you run around like a raped ape for a few hours and get criticized on minute points by pretentious ass-hats, we will give you the financial equivalent of the prize money from the early 1980′s game show Joker’s Wild. Nice!
Tune in next week when I rant about Guy Fieri and Bobby Flay and my desire to have them taped together at the wrists in a duel to death with butter knives. Sort of a spin on the ultra-realistic fight at the end of Michael Jackson‘s “Beat It” video. But in my fantasy, the King of Pop doesn’t step in to stop the fight.