TUNDRANAUTICA

Bringing Home the Freshest Kill

Here’s a thought experiment:

What if Carl Sagan had written erotic fiction…”

  • From THE 8-ARMED ICE-CREAM MAN OF MNEME:

“His digits were shimmering vestiges of a spiral galaxy. Every appendage was filled with delightful flavors, each guaranteed to satisfy…”

“Her clenched, webbed fist made for an excellent proxy.”

  • From THE WELL-HUNG WHITE DWARF:

“I felt as though I was standing on the veranda of a vast cosmos as I unleashed my essence into her love purse.”

“I marveled at the tantalizing array of bills, beaks, scutes, pectorals…and breasts…”

  • From STICKING COEFFICIENTS:

“A sharp distinction between human lovers and alien lovers is essential if we are to bend them to our will, make them work for us, wear them, eat them — without any disquieting tinges of guilt or regret.”

  • From PANSTELLAR PECKERWOOD:

“Her supple lips met mine. Soon, our coupling began beneath a small altocumulus cloud. I knew then that she was the perfect Moon Creature for me.”

  • From FOUR-VECTOR FEATHERWOODS:

“Her ample backdoor provided all the airlock pressure we would need. Soon, sexual congress commenced.”

  • From SEDUCTION IN THE SUBDUCTION ZONES:

“She fondled the large emplacement of basalt rock. When he eventually loosened her from the restrictive iguana harness, she cooed amorously…”

  • From LONGITUDINAL ENGINES:

“The biblical God is usually a sloppy manufacturer. But he outdid himself with Ginny. She was a busty, big-diesel masterpiece to whom I loved reading poetry.”

  • From KEPLERIAN CRANKSHAFT:

“He dipped his hardened magma plug into her rock pool. Together, they could feel the Earth’s crust buckle.”

“Some nights we were two sworn enemies standing waist-deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five. And then…out of nowhere…some force would propel us… into each others’ pinch machine…”

  • From BETA-DECAY KAY:

“Kay radiated magic, poetry and…lust. I enjoyed nuzzling her Pale Blue Dot.

  • From PLUTONIAN PLEASURE SQUAD:

“Her buttocks trembled in a lyrical way…this singular beauty made me pine for the satisfying hues of Sigma Orionis.”

  • From CELESTIAL POLES:

“He pried open her fleshy portal with the throbbing anticipation of a Wolf-Rayet star.”

“Geologically we were in the most active body of the Uranian system. Thus, Rick’s thickening, hardening and elongating served as gripping metaphor.”

  • From LOVE BUDDIES OF URANUS:

“ ‘I always prayed that somebody would stuff my chute,’ said Rick while preparing to leap from the sky cruiser. ‘And thanks to Todd, that prayer has been answered.’

  • From LOVE BUFFET ON MARS:

“Our union, so full of culinary delights, made us feel like carnal gladiators, yes, but also like world-champion gurgitators.”

  • From DOUBLE-CLUSTER DUVETS:

“I felt as though I were a cosmic quilt-maker…the rich tapestry of intricate, interwoven ecstasy nearly left me for dead…”

  • From THE SEXUAL SAFARIS OF SEDNA:

“Reality died screaming when Todd removed the accommodator mask from the tentacled beast.”

  • From FINE DINING ON DEIMOS (co-written with Ray Kroc):

“Todd was a griddle man through and through, so cooking up a thick, rich stew of carnal flavors was no challenge for him. Doing it in zero gravity, however, was the tricky part.”

Sagan Valentine by Ironic Sans

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