TUNDRANAUTICA

Bringing Home the Freshest Kill

Posts in the Detroit category

Auntie Anne's

  • Being in a Band is For Losers (Needs one additional paragraph about the requisite intervention Aging Band Guy‘s friends must administer to save his train-wreck life.)
  • Daniel Kalder: Are White Supremacists On The Rampage In Texas? — “…white power freaks had been almost mythical creatures for me, like unicorns, only less appealing to preteen girls. Of course, I knew that they existed, but overexposure to British TV documentaries about American weirdos in the 1990s, not to mention Russian anti-Americanism in the 2000s, had bred weariness in me, and I had rejected the characterization of America as a land teeming with survivalists, apocalyptic believers, Hitler fans and serial killers long before I moved here. I mean, come on: No place could be that interesting.”
  • Gates of Hell: “A group of Italian archaeologists have announced they have found the legendary ‘Pluto’s Gate,’ a portal filled with foul-smelling noxious fumes which inflicted a quick death on any person or beast that was driven into its embrace.”
  • Gavin McInnes:Here in the real world, love is blind. So are erections. [Men] don’t really care what [women] look like as long as you have a vagina and don’t dry-heave when you see us naked. If women knew how unbelievably perverted we are, they wouldn’t even brush their hair. Napoleon said to Josephine, ‘I will return to Paris tomorrow evening. Don’t wash.’ We want to inhale your flaws. As my buddy Sharky said, ‘Smelling a woman’s ass is a poor man’s Viagra.’ Our testosterone is already airbrushing you into perfection the second you walk into the room. We have virtually no deal-breakers.”
  • Roger Ebert‘s 1971 review of Head: “It was written by Jack Nicholson, who went on to star in “Easy Rider” and “Five Easy Pieces,” and directed by Bob Rafelson, who directed “Five Easy Pieces.” The producer, Bert Schneider, created the Monkees for television with Rafelson, and “Head” was apparently their scheme to bury them.”
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  • Daniel Kalder: “Right now it seems as if the leadership of the entire planet is coming up for election. At least that’s the impression I get from the news: there are changes of leadership everywhere, or at least in those places where the population is allowed to have a say in such matters. But when I look at the results, I can’t help thinking that the people coming into power are completely incapable of meeting the challenges of our times.”
  • Fred Guteri: “NASA climate scientist James Hanson has warned of a ‘Venus effect,’ in which runaway warming turns Earth into an uninhabitable desert, with a surface temperature high enough to melt lead, sometime in the next few centuries.”
  • Jim Romenesko: “Elmore Leonard liked Detroit Free Press reporter Tammy Battaglia’s piece about a roofer saved from electrocution, so he wrote her a nice letter. ‘I read your story the other day about the roofer narrowly dodging death and admire the way you wrote it,’ the crime novelist told the journalist. ‘What I admire the most is the sound of your writing, your effortless style.'”
  • More Kalder: “I would therefore like to make a modest proposal, a test for those lacking documentation of their tribal lineage but who would nevertheless like to advance their academic or political careers by claiming to be a Native American. Can you rope a steer while on horseback and then cut out and eat its liver, like Herman [Lehmann]? Elizabeth Warren, are you ready?”

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English: View of downtown Vancouver, Washingto...

“Ugly” cities are beautiful.

Omaha. Tacoma. Gary. Rockford. Green Bay. Boise. Cleveland. Detroit.

All — beautiful.

Many people think of these places as “armpits” or “hellholes.” Either aesthetically. Or culturally. Or both.

However, these same people are failing to realize the aesthetic genius in “Negative Space.”

And by Negative Space I mean…

—Places that force themselves on the landscape;
—Places where the snow gets dirty; and
—Places that hold a challenging aesthetic appeal.

I’ll elaborate.

Negative Space exists in:

—Places with vacant lots;
—Abandoned places, or, conversely, overcrowded places;
—Polluted places. Back alleys;
—Places choked in smog; and
—Wide open places.

To further belabor the point, Negative Space is home in:

—Isolated places, desolate places. Unforgiving places, unsympathetic places;
—Places that smell like gasoline, places that smell like oil. Places with grease, gunfire and burning tires; and
—Places that are too small, places that are too big.

And to really beat a dead horse, I’ll posit that Negative Space thrives in:

—Places where signs are broken, places where lights are out and places where car alarms blare;
—Places that are grey, ashen and overcast; and
—Places that are too cold….places that are too hot.

If you’ve been dumped by a loved one, a drunken binge in Beloit is just what the doctor ordered. Let everyone else have their scenic splendor. Their Eugenes, Olympias, Boulders and Missoulas. These are beautiful places in their own right, but they’re places that hold an easy beauty…an easy emotion.

Places that earn your affection — the ones that don’t overpower you with aesthetic grandeur — ultimately end up being the better friend. The friend with more depth, more layers, more complexity. The friend with more soul.

So…

Let the comforting smog of SacTown caress your damaged psyche.

The Beiruit-ish looking ghettos of Milwaukee will be your shoulder to cry on.

Darkness on the edge of Omaha = your guiding light.

And that weedy, abandoned parking lot in Vancouver, Washington (the non-Canadian Vancouver, “the boring Vancouver”) can be your personal savior…

…if you would just let it.

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