Bringing Home the Freshest Kill

Posts in the food category

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A White Belgian Chocolate Carrion Crow Skull.


Carrion Crow Chocolate Skull

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Big Rob

Tremendous photo of Rob Ford from the Internet

  • Daniel Kalder on the bizarre spectacle of kids’ MMA: “…there’s a difference between playground wars and kids’ MMA, namely that the teachers at my school did not run out and join us in our fight circle to cheer on the violence. Instead, like the responsible adults they were, they broke up the battles. But at MMA events, the parents sit in the audience celebrating the beatings. And that seems a bit odd.”
  • Jim Goadafter a colonoscopy the other day in which he received the anesthetic Propofol: “They shot me up with a creamy syringe of the sweet nectar again this morning. As the nurse pressed the plunger, she told me I’d be unconscious in 3-5 seconds. I vowed to stay awake longer than that, but I was out before the plunger hit bottom. I awoke to be informed that my colon is as slick and blemish-free as an Olympic luge track, whereupon I hugged the nurse. I never hug anyone.”

Jim Henson Memorial

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All pics taken by yours truly unless otherwise indicated.











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  • ForeignPolicy.com: “…the claim repeatedly made by President Obama and his senior aides — that targeted [drone] killings are limited only to officials, members, and affiliates of al Qaeda who pose an imminent threat of attack on the U.S. homeland — is false.”
  • Night photographer Troy Paiva: “You can’t do this kind of photography if you spook easily, because yes, these places can be creepy in daylight. At night the creep factor really spikes. But a lot of those spooky feelings are bred into us — from a very early age we’re taught to be scared of abandoned places. That they are inhabited by ghosts and demons, that no good can come of visiting them. It’s been a common literary trope for 100 generations, so long that it’s practically stamped on us genetically. I’ve never seen a ghost, and I’ve spent nights in dozens of supposedly haunted places. I’ve experienced a lot of things that people could interpret as ghosts, but were easily explained away as wind under the eaves, or animals in the walls. And even if there really were ghosts, what can they do to me?”
  • When it comes to eating locally, Oregonians are full of shit


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Auntie Anne's

  • Being in a Band is For Losers (Needs one additional paragraph about the requisite intervention Aging Band Guy‘s friends must administer to save his train-wreck life.)
  • Daniel Kalder: Are White Supremacists On The Rampage In Texas? — “…white power freaks had been almost mythical creatures for me, like unicorns, only less appealing to preteen girls. Of course, I knew that they existed, but overexposure to British TV documentaries about American weirdos in the 1990s, not to mention Russian anti-Americanism in the 2000s, had bred weariness in me, and I had rejected the characterization of America as a land teeming with survivalists, apocalyptic believers, Hitler fans and serial killers long before I moved here. I mean, come on: No place could be that interesting.”
  • Gates of Hell: “A group of Italian archaeologists have announced they have found the legendary ‘Pluto’s Gate,’ a portal filled with foul-smelling noxious fumes which inflicted a quick death on any person or beast that was driven into its embrace.”
  • Gavin McInnes:Here in the real world, love is blind. So are erections. [Men] don’t really care what [women] look like as long as you have a vagina and don’t dry-heave when you see us naked. If women knew how unbelievably perverted we are, they wouldn’t even brush their hair. Napoleon said to Josephine, ‘I will return to Paris tomorrow evening. Don’t wash.’ We want to inhale your flaws. As my buddy Sharky said, ‘Smelling a woman’s ass is a poor man’s Viagra.’ Our testosterone is already airbrushing you into perfection the second you walk into the room. We have virtually no deal-breakers.”
  • Roger Ebert‘s 1971 review of Head: “It was written by Jack Nicholson, who went on to star in “Easy Rider” and “Five Easy Pieces,” and directed by Bob Rafelson, who directed “Five Easy Pieces.” The producer, Bert Schneider, created the Monkees for television with Rafelson, and “Head” was apparently their scheme to bury them.”
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Via the magic of the Wayback Machine, I uncovered this gem, which I wrote for the local paper of record back in 2004:


Rich "The Locust" LeFevre at the 2004 World Rib-Eating Championship

Lincoln City, Ore. — Several of the most prolific competitive eaters in stomach-centric sports gathered at Chinook Winds Casino Saturday night to battle it out in the 2004 World Rib Eating Championship, an event sanctioned by the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

“The rib is perhaps the most prestigious of the debris foods next to the chicken wing,” said federation chairman George Shea in a news release prior to Saturday’s competition. It, he promised, “will challenge even the most seasoned IFOCE gurgitators.”

No argument there.

Last year’s champion, Ed “Cookie” Jarvis of New York, fresh off a two molar-extraction, looked poised to claim another title but was bested by diminutive Rich “the Locust” LeFevre, a retired Nevada accountant who wolfed down 3.40 pounds of barbecued ribs in 12 minutes in front of an enthusiastic crowd of RVers and barbecue aficionados. (That total, though impressive, is 1.24 pounds short of what Jarvis consumed in a truly prodigious feat last year—4.65 pounds in 12 minutes.)

LeFevre’s performance capped an intriguing underdog story. Known in competitive eating circles as more of a “distance” eater than one who is adept at short, eight-to-12 minute contests, LeFevre showed he could adapt to brevity and claimed this year’s title by a margin of 0.3 pounds. The truck-sized Jarvis, who weighs in at more than a fifth of a ton, finished second with 3.10 pounds of consumed rib meat.

LeFevre’s wife, Carlene “the First Lady of Food” LeFevre also competed Saturday and finished fourth overall with 2.5 pounds. She is the creator of the “Carlene Pop,” a bobbing up-and-down technique used to release air pockets in her stomach (as well as excess nervous energy).

Her husband takes home a giant 2004 World Rib Eating Championship belt, $1,250, and world-wide bragging rights amongst gustatory and gastrointestinal athletes alike.


This article originally ran in The Oregonian, July 20th, 2004.

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While dining at Hung Far Low recently, I leafed through the Asian Reporter, where I found the following “open letter,” apparently crafted by anonymous and disgruntled TriMet staffers.

The information therein does not paint a pretty picture of our local “transit” agency. Moreover, it affirms what many of us have been saying for years: TriMet is a dysfunctional hellpit of horse-shit and incompetence.

Check. It. Out. (Click letter to enlarge, por favor.)


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Jingoistic Foods

  • Abide With Me Mayonnaise
  • Aryan Brotherhood Dumplings
  • Aryan Brotherhood Toast and Jam
  • Aryan Nation Napa Cabbage
  • Banner of Freedom Beef Brain
  • Banner of Freedom Beef Tongue
  • Banner of Freedom Cheese Cubes
  • Bend-Over-Here-It-Comes Balut
  • Bend-Over-Here-It-Comes Biltong
  • Bend-Over-Here-It-Comes Borscht
  • Bend-Over-Here-It-Comes Cold Cuts
  • Benevolent Empire Emu Casserole
  • Black Power Niblets
  • Black Pride Egg Tart
  • Black Pride Marmalade
  • Blood-Stained Glory Gravy
  • Carcass of Falwell Fermented Crab
  • Cavalry Cajuzinho
  • Christian Identify Kasseri Cheese
  • Drop-Zone Deviled Eggs
  • Fatherland Flipper Pie
  • Fatherland Frog Legs
  • Forged From the Love of Liberty Lamb Fries
  • Four Fingers of Death Frappacinos
  • Freedom Isn’t Free Fugu
  • Fruit of Islam Fruit Salad
  • Garrison-Cap Gravy
  • God Bless Fiji Flipper Pie
  • God of Justice Cheese Cubes
  • God of Justice Lamb Fries
  • God of Justice Truffles
  • Guardians of the Homeland Horse Mackerel
  • High Above the Young Rhine Rutabaga
  • High We Exalt Thee Fish and Chips
  • Homeland Hoi Sam
  • Island Hymn Hot Pockets
  • I Vow to Thee Cloudberry
  • Jump-Boot Bologna
  • Landing-Zone Lard Biscuits
  • Land of Beauty Lamb Fries
  • Land of the Brave Lutefisk
  • Liberty Lutefisk
  • March of the Malvinas Malasada
  • March of the Volunteers Veal Sirloin
  • March On Matzusaka Beef
  • Moral Hazard Hotcakes
  • Moral Hazard Hot Pockets
  • Moral Hazard Huhu Grubs
  • Moral Hazard Maple Syrup
  • Nation-Building Knackwurst
  • O’ Land of Beauty Lutefisk
  • Pledge of Allegiance Pork Rinds
  • Point of Contact Pão de Queijo
  • Point of Contact Pork Trotters
  • P.O.W. Pork Trotters
  • Proud and Free Anglerfish
  • Proud and Free Pork Scratchings
  • Red Star Mountain Mishima Beef
  • Reparations Anglerfish
  • Rise O’ Voices of Rhodesia Pork Rinds
  • Rocket’s Red Glare Rice Pudding
  • Self-Loading Cargo Crackers
  • Sons of Liberty Salt Pork
  • Snipe-Hunt Snack Cakes
  • Special Forces Sparrow Sauce
  • Star-Spangled Salmon Jerkey
  • Star-Spangled Sweatbread
  • Swiss Psalm Salmon Jerkey
  • Mass Resistance Ranchero Sauce
  • Tactical Tic-Tacs
  • Tactical Turducken
  • Tank Commander Tapioca
  • The East is Red Rutabaga
  • There’ll Always Be an England Escargot
  • Ukraine Is Not Weak Whitebait
  • Unintended Consequence Cocada Dip
  • Unintended Consequence Crab Cakes
  • Unintended Consequence Kangaroo Salad
  • Warning-Order Witchetty Grubs
  • War on Drugs Dumplings
  • War on Drugs Pasta Cubes
  • White Power Cheese Cubes
  • White Power Marmalade
  • You’re a Grand Old Flag Frog Legs

Fish and chips as served at The Regency in Bri...

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