TUNDRANAUTICA

Bringing Home the Freshest Kill

Posts in the Guy Fieri category

Links of interest

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  • Daniel Kalder on the bromance of Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong-un: “It seems likely then that Kim Jong-un is in a pretty dark place these days: paranoid, fearful, murderous. And along comes Dennis, his friend, at exactly the right moment. Could Rodman be working an angle? Well, he’s not singing at a wedding or looking for citizenship, and he has explicitly stated that he will not raise the issue of Korean-American missionary Kenneth Bae, currently languishing in a North Korean prison. No, says Rodman: ‘I’m not there to be a diplomat. I’m there to go there and just have a good time, sit with (Kim Jong-un) and his family, and that’s pretty much it.'”
  • Jim GoadIt’s Hard Out Here for a Dudebro: “Hapless and uncomprehending dudebros are expected to passively sit with their hands folded in their laps as they’re scolded over their cisgendered privilege and the fact that they deny the ‘brovantages’ that life under this white-male patriarchy has granted them. They are told to shut the fuck up and stop pretending to listen, that they are in effect the brownshirts of rape culture for whom no form of surgical castration could be too painful.”
  • The Independent: “A former women’s prison in South Africa which once held Winnie Mandela is now home to a 12m-deep screaming vagina.”
  • The Socialist Worker: “The Obama administration has been able to find some allies in unexpected places in his quest to sell the war. There are a surprising number of African American liberals who, while they may have not completely jumped on board the air-strike bandwagon, are, in effect, warming up the engine and assisting the administration to make its case for war.”
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By Matt Duvall

Once again, and I frankly have no idea why, the Food Network is on my TV.

I think I put it on at times that I’m kinda down and I want to get my blood boiling.

I can’t (and won’t) go through the whole list of shit-heels that are on the network that I have wanted to kick while giggling.

People, IT’S FUCKING FOOD! Stop acting like it’s so special. I need to eat and you need to eat. Whoopdie-frickin’ ding-dong. It’s one thing when it’s PBS and they take you step by step on a dish, but shows like Iron Chef and Chopped are for… for… Well, I haven’t really figured out which demographic they are trying to reach. It seems like a possibility that they are shooting for the meth addict that happens to have saffron and lake trout laying around the kitchen.

Seriously, try following those shows and then recreate what you just saw. If by a miracle Rainman and Emeril Lagasse butt-fucked and made a little idiot-savant, cooking baby, THAT child would be lost. Even if you recorded that shit and went frame by frame like the damn Zapruder film you would be lucky to come up with toast.

Emeril Lagasse

If you notice, they do play-by-play just like it’s a sporting event that anyone would shuck a turd for. “Oh, he’s going to add wine to the egg-wash. That IS a very risky move. If he’s not careful he won’t have time to plate his food.”

Do you know what the stakes are for the chefs on Chopped? 10 fucking grand. $10,000! Yeee-ha! After you run around like a raped ape for a few hours and get criticized on minute points by pretentious ass-hats, we will give you the financial equivalent of the prize money from the early 1980’s game show Joker’s Wild. Nice!

Tune in next week when I rant about Guy Fieri and Bobby Flay and my desire to have them taped together at the wrists in a duel to death with butter knives. Sort of a spin on the ultra-realistic fight at the end of Michael Jackson‘s “Beat It” video. But in my fantasy, the King of Pop doesn’t step in to stop the fight.

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