“The Vanishing Yokel,” by Jim Goad: “As Americans get more tightly packed into sprawling megalopolises, what coastal snobs dismiss as ‘flyover country’ is rapidly devolving into one giant ghost town. What used to be known as Middle Americans are now called extremists. The heartland has become the hinterlands. One of the biggest cultural divides in American culture has always been urban v. rural, city mouse v. country mouse. It appears that the city mouse has won.”
Being in a Band is For Losers (Needs one additional paragraph about the requisite intervention Aging Band Guy‘s friends must administer to save his train-wreck life.)
Daniel Kalder: Are White Supremacists On The Rampage In Texas? — “…white power freaks had been almost mythical creatures for me, like unicorns, only less appealing to preteen girls. Of course, I knew that they existed, but overexposure to British TV documentaries about American weirdos in the 1990s, not to mention Russian anti-Americanism in the 2000s, had bred weariness in me, and I had rejected the characterization of America as a land teeming with survivalists, apocalyptic believers, Hitler fans and serial killers long before I moved here. I mean, come on: No place could be that interesting.”
Gates of Hell: “A group of Italian archaeologists have announced they have found the legendary ‘Pluto’s Gate,’ a portal filled with foul-smelling noxious fumes which inflicted a quick death on any person or beast that was driven into its embrace.”
Gavin McInnes: “Here in the real world, love is blind. So are erections. [Men] don’t really care what [women] look like as long as you have a vagina and don’t dry-heave when you see us naked. If women knew how unbelievably perverted we are, they wouldn’t even brush their hair. Napoleon said to Josephine, ‘I will return to Paris tomorrow evening. Don’t wash.’ We want to inhale your flaws. As my buddy Sharky said, ‘Smelling a woman’s ass is a poor man’s Viagra.’ Our testosterone is already airbrushing you into perfection the second you walk into the room. We have virtually no deal-breakers.”
Roger Ebert‘s 1971 review of Head: “It was written by Jack Nicholson, who went on to star in “Easy Rider” and “Five Easy Pieces,” and directed by Bob Rafelson, who directed “Five Easy Pieces.” The producer, Bert Schneider, created the Monkees for television with Rafelson, and “Head” was apparently their scheme to bury them.”
Marvel Comics used to produce a comic book series called “What If…?”
The basic premise: The book’s narrator, Uatu, a member of a race of lifeforms called Watchers, speculated on how the Marvel Universe might be different if certain key events were played out in alternate fashion, e.g., “What if Captain America Had Been Elected President?” and “What if the Fantastic Four Had Not Gained Their Superpowers?”‘
Wikipedia has the entire list of “What If…?” titles here, and many beg the question “What Was Uatu Smoking?”
All that aside, I’d like to apply the “What If…?” methodology to the NFL, specifically,
“What if the World’s Great Philosophers and Thinkers Played Professional Football?”
Here is what NFL scouts are saying about the pool of talent available in philosophy and literature.
Immanuel Kant will be the best cornerback in next year’s draft and it’s not even close. Kid can run a Copernican Revolution in reverse….He ‘Tebowed‘ after riffing on the epistemology of Transcendental Idealism. I just thought that demonstrated a lot of chutzpah. Good kid. He’ll be in the running for the Heisenberg, even though he’s a defensive player.
Slavoj Zizek? Doesn’t look like much in his underwear, but the kid can flat-out play. He’s like loose silk in the open field.
If you ask me, Friedrich Nietzsche is an overrated piece of [expletive]. I don’t need grim meditations on eternal recurrence. I just need consistent play in the Red Zone.
There are no Jimmy Grahams in this year’s pool of tight end prospects, but I like Camus. He needs to grow up though. This is the NFL, it’s not the [expletive] Universitaire d’Alger. Still, the potential is there for big things.
If your O-line needs interior players, you could do worse thanSøren Kierkegaard. I’ve warmed up to the kid but you’re gonna need a leap of faith to take him any earlier than the second round.
Other than Kant, I also like David Hume in this year’s batch of corners. Interesting kid — Scottish. He advocates a compatibilist theory of free will pretty nicely.
At this rate, [Jean-Paul] Sarte is condemned to be free. Too bad, because he functions more efficiently in a ball-control, grind-it-out-offense. He’s a game manager, not a franchise QB.
This kid Eratosthenesis a real mauler. Bookish guy but the cerebral part of him translates well to the game. He didn’t look good late in the year though. Pass-blocking was horse [expletive]. Him and that whole part of the line were a sieve.