TUNDRANAUTICA

Bringing Home the Freshest Kill

Posts in the Star Wars category

Phil Jesus

Film pitch: “PRESIDENT CHRIST.”

In a parallel universe, Phil Hartman is still alive, playing Jesus, who comes back to Earth to run for president.

I’m envisioning concept art for the film by the Jesus With You Always web guy, who could accomplish what Ralph McQuarrie did for “Star Wars.”

JC Secretary

The movie would have a loving and warm treatment of Christ, though, and wouldn’t be snarky or mean-spirited.

That is all.

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Also: Bill Murray as Ted Cruz in a Wes Anderson film:

Ted

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Seal of the C.I.A. - Central Intelligence Agen...

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Some items squirreled away in my Flickr account…

Russian badger fat, for whatever ails you…

badger_fat

Some Engrish…

thank_you_corporation

Me and my X-Wing Fighter…

x-wing1

My grandparents…

family_who_knows_where_or_when

Dusya the Ukrainian mini-pinscher

dusya_argyle_sweater

Freaky aviation museum mannequins…

orange_quinns6

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Originally published at When Falls the Coliseum

Pedia Press is a pretty neat concept. It allows anyone to compile hand-picked Wikipedia pages and transform them into books that are instantly available for purchase. The super-simple process takes about 10 to 15 minutes. I’ve already produced a few volumes of my own. Each one, detailed below, has made the world a better place.

Inanimate Immortality. This baby retails for $33.04. It explores the world of taxidermy, androids, sex dolls and other items that mimic or commemorate life. Key sections include robot fetishismglove puppetry, and shrunken heads. My favorite passage is from the Icelandic Phallological Museum: “Although the museum does not yet have a Homo sapiens specimen, in the interest of advancing phallological knowledge, a patron (Páll Arason, born in 1915 and currently 94 years old) has donated, presumably posthumously, an affidavit for his penis.”

http://pediapress.com/books/show/inanimate-immortality-things-that-create/

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Uncompromising! Unrelenting! Unforgiving!: This BRUTAL tome of CRUSHING TRUTHS and RAW, UNFETTERED POWER documents those rebels of art and song who REFUSE to SACRIFICE THEIR INTEGRITY or UNDERMINE their UNYIELDING COMMITMENT TO THE UNPLEASANT EXACTITUDE OF REALITY! These stouthearted iconoclasts and violently principled individualists will NEVER SELL OUT, even for self-fulfillment, money or quality of life.

Folks, If you know a punk rawk blogger who posts William S. Burroughs’ IN-YOUR-FACE Thanksgiving prayer each November, this item — and the COCKSURE INTENSITY SPILLING OUT OF EACH FEROCIOUS, IRON-FISTED PAGE — will make his ass coo like an indelicate MACHINE GUN of PANDEMONIUM AND RAGE! Key sections include Rapeman, Bikini Kill, atonality, Killdozer, and Amphetamine Reptile. There is also a helpful list of anti-consumerists. Huzzah, motherfuckers!

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WTF: The Bizarre Missteps, Revisionist History, and Authoritarian Weirdness of George Lucas: George Lucas is bold and crazy. Unlike you and me, he’s willing to fail in a “screw you, I’m creating a character called Jar Jar Binks” way. He’ll go down in flames — wed to the idea of a Howard the Duck screenplaywhile spraying geek musk at any test audience that dares challenge him. All the usual suspects are here — Jar Jar Binks; Ewoks (FYI: their language is based on Kalmyk); Jake Lloyd; merchandising; Anakin Skywalker; Ahmed Best; and “Han Shot First.”

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The Big Book of Gurgitation: This handy compendium of food and meals is essential, and modestly priced at $20.60. Future volumes will explore intestinal disorders, gastronomical literature, and famine. The current volume offers insight regarding macrobiotic diets; pimento loaves; veganarchism; the International Federation of Competitive Eating; and vorarephilia (a fetish involving eating, or being eaten).

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People, Places or Things Worthy of Their Own Theme Park: This one is fairly self explanatory. Imagine a world where you can go to:

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The Many Loves and Fetishes of Parsifal: Smiles are rippling through my underpants because I saved the best item for last. If When Falls the Coliseum is the Muppet Show, then frequent commenter/heckler Parsifal is Statler, suspended above Waldforf in a Vietnamese Spin-Fuck Chair. Many Loves brings to light the soul-stirring conflicts and gender issues that animate and arouse the P-Man. Key sections include Alan Alda, Feral Pigeons, Hogging, Toe Socks, Lotion Play, Therapeutic Horseback Riding, and Caution Tape.

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