Bringing Home the Freshest Kill

Posts in the Uatu category

Somewhere on a veranda overlooking the cosmos, multiple parallel realities converge, and the following individuals enjoy a breakfast confab together:

Should gun-play break out, all parties will be armed with Walther PPKs (i.e., James Bond‘s gun).

This is the “What If?” of Uatu‘s wet dreams.

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Marvel Comics used to produce a comic book series called “What If…?

The basic premise: The book’s narrator, Uatu, a member of a race of lifeforms called Watchers, speculated on how the Marvel Universe might be different if certain key events were played out in alternate fashion, e.g., “What if Captain America Had Been Elected President?” and “What if the Fantastic Four Had Not Gained Their Superpowers?”‘

Cover of "What If? Classic Vol. 1 (Marvel...

Wikipedia has the entire list of “What If…?” titles here, and many beg the question “What Was Uatu Smoking?

All that aside, I’d like to apply the “What If…?” methodology to the NFL, specifically,

“What if the World’s Great Philosophers and Thinkers Played Professional Football?”

Here is what NFL scouts are saying about the pool of talent available in philosophy and literature.

Immanuel Kant will be the best cornerback in next year’s draft and it’s not even close. Kid can run a Copernican Revolution in reverse….He ‘Tebowed‘ after riffing on the epistemology of Transcendental Idealism. I just thought that demonstrated a lot of chutzpah. Good kid. He’ll be in the running for the Heisenberg, even though he’s a defensive player.


Slavoj Zizek? Doesn’t look like much in his underwear, but the kid can flat-out play. He’s like loose silk in the open field.

If you ask me, Friedrich Nietzsche is an overrated piece of [expletive]. I don’t need grim meditations on eternal recurrence. I just need consistent play in the Red Zone.

There are no Jimmy Grahams in this year’s pool of tight end prospects, but I like Camus. He needs to grow up though. This is the NFL, it’s not the [expletive] Universitaire d’Alger. Still, the potential is there for big things.

If your O-line needs interior players, you could do worse than Søren Kierkegaard. I’ve warmed up to the kid but you’re gonna need a leap of faith to take him any earlier than the second round.

Other than Kant, I also like David Hume in this year’s batch of corners. Interesting kid — Scottish. He advocates a compatibilist theory of free will pretty nicely.


At this rate, [Jean-Paul] Sarte is condemned to be free. Too bad, because he functions more efficiently in a ball-control, grind-it-out-offense. He’s a game manager, not a franchise QB.


This kid Eratosthenes is a real mauler. Bookish guy but the cerebral part of him translates well to the game.  He didn’t look good late in the year though. Pass-blocking was horse [expletive]. Him and that whole part of the line were a sieve.

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