Long-time ICED BORSCHT com­rade Valued Milk sub­mits this blog entry regard­ing Michael Phelps:

“Okay, enough is enough. I just need to get this off my chest. Would some­one please explain to me what the big deal is over a 23-year-old puff­ing on the hip­pie let­tuce? Yeah, it’s a “Schedule 1″ nar­cotic that America’s archaic drug laws have placed in the same realm as heroin.

I under­stand that, but I also under­stand that any­one who isn’t brain-damaged, pathet­i­cally prud­ish or has some sort of axe to grind real­izes that the prin­ci­ples behind our nation’s mar­i­juana laws are the equiv­a­lent of relat­ing blind­ness and hairy palms to masturbation.

I am not going to get into the need­less dam­age that mar­i­juana pro­hi­bi­tion has done to our soci­ety. Many oth­ers have spelled out the con­tra­dic­tion in ille­gal mar­i­juana to legal alco­hol, hand­guns, and tobacco bet­ter than I ever could. Countless voices rep­re­sent­ing a wide-range of polit­i­cal and social beliefs from the crusty, patchouli-drenched, tree­hug­gers to the Ivy League-educated, golf-playing, Prius dri­ving power­bro­kers have all agreed that impris­on­ing peo­ple for this vic­tim­less crime has not reduced demand but has only increased the num­ber of pris­ons we have in this coun­try. This “War on Drugs” has failed, clearly!

Hey, I don’t want a 14-year-old kid smok­ing the “Devil’s Cabbage.” I also don’t want 39-year-old ass­holes dri­ving drunk or shoot­ing up shop­ping malls with M-16s either. I also wish that cig­a­rettes were totally ille­gal because per­haps then I wouldn’t have started smok­ing them and now be out-of-my-fuckin’-gourd addicted to them.

Marijuana a gate­way drug? Sheesh, nico­tine and alco­hol are the gate­way drugs. The gate­way to lung, liver and heart dis­ease and drunken ram­blings and pissed pants and futile attempts at get­ting a bra off in the back­seat before some­one pro­jec­tile vom­its half-digested pizza into the ashtray.

I guess the point is, why pick on li’l Mary Jane?! She’s pretty resilient — they keep lock­ing peo­ple up but peo­ple keep smok­ing it. The over­whelm­ing major­ity are recre­ational users. They never buy the stuff; they wouldn’t know where to buy it. Most just stum­ble upon it at a place where peo­ple are hang­ing out and try­ing to enjoy themselves…like col­lege parties.

Now to Mr. Phelps.

Setting aside all that I have said about mar­i­juana laws in gen­eral, let’s just focus on Michael Phelps’ sit­u­a­tion. His tak­ing a tok­er­a­tor hit off the water bong is not an argu­ment against mar­i­juana. If any­thing, it is an argu­ment for it. Perhaps that is why peo­ple are in a tizzy over this social act that hun­dreds of thou­sands of meat­heads, nerds, bim­bos and ass­wipes engage in every day. Hey if mar­i­juana is so bad, then how can a win­ner like Michael smoke it? I haven’t heard any­one make the argu­ment that his tak­ing iron-lunger hits com­bined with a strict diet and train­ing reg­i­men may have actu­ally expanded his lungs to their oth­er­worldly capac­ity. Hey, any­thing is pos­si­ble! Maybe this is why he is so dom­i­nant and so unique. If other swim­mers would just expand their lungs with a big toke of some “Alaskan Thunderfuck” they might see the results that ol’ Mike has.

C’mon folks, you reek of chlo­rine and your eyes are red as hell already…live a little.

But again, why do peo­ple care? He’s a swim­mer for Christ’s sake! No one watches it. Every four years some socially iso­lated, over priv­i­leged jack­asses dom­i­nate the media and the sports world for events that no one would watch if there was any­thing else on TV.

These peo­ple aren’t amaz­ing. What is amaz­ing about a per­son who is clearly gifted and then trained like a Soviet prodigy for a dozen-plus years and ded­i­cates all of his time and effort to this one activ­ity end­ing up being really super fuckin’ good at that activ­ity? I don’t think it is amaz­ing at all. I’m amazed that so many peo­ple seem to be amazed by this. A sin­gle mother from an abu­sive back­ground work­ing full-time and going to school part-time and still man­ag­ing to main­tain a rela­tion­ship with her child is way WAY more amaz­ing than this.

People giv­ing a shit about what Michael Phelps puts in his body is amaz­ing to me too. If people’s pri­or­i­ties were in order they wouldn’t care if he smoked one bong a day, ate choco­late until he went into a dia­betic coma or if he liked to jam Rubik’s Cubes into his bung-hole (All right, if he shoots that thing out solved, that’s pretty amaz­ing). Who cares? He’s not hurt­ing anyone.

Now Kelloggs is pulling their “spon­sor­ship.” Yeah, the American food indus­try is a bas­tion of good deeds and pos­i­tive feel­ings for every­one. Do your­self a favor and read “The Omnivore’s Dilemma” by Michael Pollan and begin to under­stand how lovely com­pa­nies like Kelloggs have been to the world’s farm­ers, our chil­dren, our econ­omy, etc. Perhaps if their CEOs would “twist one” they wouldn’t be such ass­holes. Furthermore, don’t they under­stand that if one of the effects of mar­i­juana use are the “munchies” that they might stand to sell way more cereal? Something tells me that the ston­ers aren’t reach­ing for a healthy apple, they want a big fat caul­dron of sugar frosted cocoa blams. Right?

This just isn’t a big deal. We shouldn’t focus on whether or not Phelps is smok­ing the reefer, if Mary Kate refuses to eat, or if Lindsay is per­form­ing cun­nilin­gus. At the end of the day, the American peo­ple who think mar­i­juana is bad and Kelloggs is good and ath­letes are amaz­ing and politi­cians are always right are unin­formed at best and, at worst, they are dan­ger­ous hypocrites.“

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