Steve Crowder over at Big Hollywood calls athe­ism a men­tal hand­i­cap and asks athe­ists in the modem­scape to respond.

S’okay. Here goes.

I won’t draw upon the excel­lent work of such provoca­tive rap­scal­lions as Sam Harrris, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, fine gents who cover this ter­ri­tory much bet­ter than I ever could.

Instead, I’ll chal­lenge reli­gious folks to rid­dle me this:

If “Intelligent Design” is at work in the cos­mos, are things on the list below part of our sexy creator’s swell plan?

The Musical Properties of Mankind’s Anus

Pat Robertson

Goop

Sick Little Surprises in Public Restrooms

The Stench of Creatures Who Sit Next to Me on Public Transportation

Mitt Romney

Kevin Trudeau

Sylvia Browne

Hugo Chavez

The Thick, Rich Stew of Vermin, Sots and Imbeciles in Any Major City’s Downtown Area

I’m sorry to shit on the buf­fet, folks, but I tend to believe that most prophets and/or power-brokering tran­scen­dal­ists were:

A) full of shit;

B) high as a kite (it’s a good thing there was no drug war when Moses was smok­ing Sinai Peninsula Thunderfuck);

C) bat­shit insane; or

D) temporal-lobe epileptics.

My take on reli­gion can be likened to a semi-obscure SEINFELD scene. Jerry’s date asks him in a perky man­ner: “You don’t like danc­ing?” and Jerry responds in an equally perky tone: “No! Because it’s so stu­pid!” Replace the word “danc­ing” with God, reli­gion, spir­i­tu­al­ity, etc., and you have my take on mat­ters of our Lord. (Note that I didn’t say peo­ple who believe in these things are stu­pid. I labeled the con­cepts stu­pid — an impor­tant distinction!)

I don’t dis­agree with con­ser­v­a­tives’ opin­ion that many of the world’s most vis­i­ble athe­ists are shrill dorks (hi Bill Maher, yes I see you back there telling 1987-caliber “white peo­ple are so lame!” jokes). But you can’t paint us all with the same tar brush. I myself am sym­pa­thetic to many a con­ser­v­a­tive cause, e.g. small gov­ern­ment, less taxes, more guns, less Sean Penn, etc.

That said, let’s take the high road to end this thing. Some unity, cou­pled with lev­ity. Here’s a rel­e­vant Neil Hamburger joke:

“Why did God invent so much gay porn?.….….….….Because he’s a fag.”

Thank you; you’re beau­ti­ful! Iced Borscht audi­ences are the great­est audi­ences in all the land!

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