My November Tweets

• A mes­sage I just found from a Web ring I applied to ages ago (deny­ing me): “Your foul lan­guage is atrocious.”

• Why, as an athe­ist, do I find other athe­ists so repug­nant? They all seem to enjoy Important Americans Michael Moore and Bill Maher.

• <bit­ing, hate­ful sarcasm>People are awe­some! Up with people!</biting, hate­ful sarcasm>

• Dead People the World Misses Most Achingly: Sinatra; Sagan; Cousteau; Ray Kroc; the laff-maker Chris Farley. Kings, now gone.

• Still wait­ing for that har­lot Gwyneth Paltrow to e-mail me her GOOP newsletter.

• Magic balls to make your bot­tom coo. LINK

• My Korean gro­cer engages in preda­tory pric­ing. He knows I’m the only one who buys sugar-free energy drinks. And he will mark the price up.

• I’m inter­ested in see­ing Levi Johnston blud­geoned by genet­i­cally engi­neered mutant cyclops creatures.

• The employ­ees at the Portland Expo Center are cross-eyed, snagle-toothed ghouls; unfriendly and unhelp­ful to the point of idiocy.

• Oprah’s announce­ment to leave the air­waves has brought me to the thresh­old of uncon­trol­lable sobbing.

• I don’t get why national pub­li­ca­tions love writ­ing about Portland food carts. Last time I checked, other big cities had food carts too.

• Funniest image of the night: fat-faced par­rot man Perez Hilton bob­bing his head to Jay Z and Alicia Keys at the American Music Awards.

• Feel like I’ve been a shitty human being lately. Writing LinkedIn.com rec­om­men­da­tions to assuage the guilt. The guilt! It chafes me.

• Mocha Coma Man, please start a cof­fee stand with me. We can make mad cash if we set up next to Portland’s QUIRKY FOOD CARTS!

• This Thanksgiving, I will be thank­ful to any­one who refrains from post­ing William S. Burroughs’ trans­gres­sive Thanksgiving prayer. Thanks!

• Thinking about writ­ing a love story about a Mexican Bear and a Gringo Bear.

• Why doesn’t SOUTH PARK film “on-location” ala COPS? They’ve got a target-rich envi­ron­ment here in Portland.

• I mis­read a “How to Avoid Black Friday” news head­line as “How to Avoid Blacks on Friday.” My dyslexic ten­den­cies are racist, damn them.

• I can say with great cer­tainty that I will never attend an event as anti-climactic as the light­ing of the down­town Portland X-Mas tree.

• Is there any greater tor­ture device in this world than a ster­ile, adult con­tem­po­rary smooth­jazz band? LIVE, at that?

• I got to test-drive the new microbead, exfo­li­at­ing soap that I pur­chased at Walmart today.

• I hate the term “epic fail” or the over-used blog phrase “The stu­pid! It burns!” Ha-ha! How droll and full of wit!

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